In His Sights Page 18

  Noah paced the room, but Mason’s words stopped him.

  “I tried to fight.”

  “No, you didn’t.” Mason stood up and moved in front of Noah. Mason clasped their hands together. He had to make sure Noah understood, no matter what, Mason wasn’t judging him. Mason only wanted to help, not hurt Noah.

  “Even when I came over to help you. You swung at me only long enough to get me caught up in hitting you. Then you shut down.” When Noah didn’t say anything, Mason added, “I think you’re trying to punish yourself for being gay.”

  “I’m not gay.” Noah pulled his hands from Mason’s. He fisted one, and rubbed his forehead with the other.

  “It’s okay.” Mason rested his hand on Noah’s arm, hoping to calm him.

  “No, it’s not. I can’t be.” Instead of pacifying him, Noah yelled louder. “I can’t lose anything else. I can’t be gay.”

  Mason was confused. “What are you talking about? What do you think you’re going to lose?”

  “I already lost the only thing I ever cared about. I can’t lose anything else. It’ll kill me.” Noah wasn’t peering at Mason any more. It was as if he was off in his own world, and Mason couldn’t get to him.

  “Noah. What are you talking about? What did you lose?”

  “I lost my team.” Noah’s words came out like a roar. Tears streamed down his face. “I lost my team because I couldn’t control myself.”

  Mason remained frozen, his mind traveling at warp speed. Was Noah referring to his SEAL team? He couldn’t be. It didn’t make sense. But what else could he mean? “What are you talking about? I don’t understand.”

  Tears continued to rain down Noah’s face, and his fearful gaze looked through Mason as if he weren’t there.

  Bile burned the back of Mason’s throat, and dread washed over him. Had Noah being gay been the reason he’d left the team? Mason had heard a lot of shit about guys not having someone’s back when they found out a guy was gay, but Mason had never, thank God, had to deal with anything like that—either during his military career or while with the FBI. Shit. Mason had met most of Noah’s team, all if they hadn’t changed in the past ten years, and he couldn’t imagine any of those guys having a problem. It wasn’t in their DNA.

  Noah wrapped his arms around himself. He appeared ready to bolt. Not a chance. Mason wouldn’t let that happen. He moved to touch Noah, and Noah flinched. Dammit. Mason needed to hear the whole story. He understood that if Noah didn’t talk right then, he never would.

  Noah stayed still except for his hands, which lay at his sides, making and releasing fists. He looked like a frightened child.

  “Tell me what happened, Noah.” Mason glued his gaze to Noah’s, hoping to convey the fact they were in a safe place, and it was okay for Noah to open up to him.

  Noah wiped his eyes with his arm, but he still didn’t say anything. Mason would wait him out. He had nowhere he had to go.

  After the silence stretched for too long, Mason tried again. First, he moved Noah with him over to the couch, and they both sat. Then in a calm voice, Mason asked, “Did you mean the SEALs when you said team? When you said you had to leave your team?”

  Noah moved his head, barely a nod. But it was enough for Mason to realize Noah answered yes. Holy shit. “They found out you were gay?”

  Another movement, another answer, but this one confused Mason more than gave him any answers. “No? They didn’t find out.”

  No was definitely yes. They hadn’t found out Noah was gay. Then what the hell? Figuring out what Noah was attempting to say felt a lot harder than some of the missions Mason had taken part in, both in the Marines and the FBI.

  “I don’t understand, Noah. What does leaving the SEALs have to do with you being gay?”

  “I’m not gay.” Noah covered his face with his hands as he cried out, his voice sounding as if he were begging Mason that his statement be true.

  At least he’s speaking again. “I’m sorry. I don’t understand what the two have to do with each other.”

  “I fucked up, and someone threatened to tell them.”

  “Someone? Someone who?” Mason felt like he was sucked down the rabbit hole. “And how did you fuck up?”

  “I hooked up with some guy and someone found out. They threatened to out me.”

  Holy fucking shit. “Who knew?” Mason struggled to keep his voice under control.

  “I have no clue. Still don’t.” The tears came back, rushing down Noah’s face.

  Mason hated seeing Noah in so much pain, but Noah had opened up, and Mason needed him to keep going. Mason held no doubt Noah had never told this story to another living soul. And Noah telling Mason now would take away a lot of the guilt, pain, and anger Noah held onto. Mason needed to come up with more questions to keep the discussion open. And at the same time, be careful, because saying the wrong thing would have Noah shutting down.

  “I’m still confused. Maybe we can start at the beginning.”

  Noah remained quiet, so Mason went on.

  “What I think I got so far is, someone witnessed you hooking up with a guy and threatened to out you to your team.”

  Noah’s head shook. The answer was definitely affirmative.

  Again, holy shit. “You don’t have any idea who made the threat? Or why?”

  Again, affirmative.

  “So, you quit?”

  Noah shook his head.

  “That’s the part I can’t grasp. What made you think they wouldn’t out you if you left? Or did you figure, you’d be gone, so the fallout wouldn’t matter?”

  “They told me.” Noah mumbled.

  “Who told you, and what did they tell you?”

  “A note came with the pictures. Told me to get out. Said when time came for me to re-up, it would be in my best interest not to. Told me if I did, the pictures would be in everybody’s hands the day following my signing.”

  “And you still don’t have any idea who sent them to you, or why?” Mason strived to keep everything straight in his head, but had a hard time.

  “None at all.”

  “What about the guy you hooked up with? Was he in the military, too? Did they do the same thing to him?” Questions flew through Mason’s mind, but fear of Noah shutting down kept Mason from asking most.

  “Never asked a name, and never saw him again.”

  Sadly, Mason figured most of Noah’s encounters had been that way. Noah had even attempted to pull that with Mason. Mason didn’t doubt if not for their chance meeting at the airport, Noah wouldn’t have gotten in touch with Mason. But right then, Mason needed to get over the hurt that knowledge caused him and keep his focus on Noah’s pain.

  “Did they ever send the pictures, even though you did what they told you?”

  “No idea.”

  Mason’s breathing had almost drowned out Noah’s whispered voice. “What? What do you mean?”

  A little louder, Noah said, “I finished out my time and left.”

  “None of the guys ever said anything to you?”

  Noah remained quiet for several seconds. When he finally spoke, he continued to speak in a whispered voice. “I never spoke to any of them again.”

  What? “That’s it? You just disappeared.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Why’d you tell them you were leaving?”

  “Didn’t.”

  What. The. Hell? Mason needed to reign in his own sentiment. He took a breath before he spoke. “So, one day, you just up and disappeared?”

  “Yep.”

  “Holy shit—they were your family.”

  “It’s all good.” Noah struggled to stand up taller, but failed.

  “No, it’s not. No wonder you’re hurting so bad.”

  “I’m fine.” Noah took a step back from Mason.

  Mason wouldn’t allow Noah to get away. Mason took a step forward. “No, Noah. You’re not.”

  Mason’s heart broke for Noah. Losing your team because of who you were—Mason couldn’
t imagine it. Hell, what if he’d had to leave the Marines because he wasn’t out and someone had threatened to do it for him? How would he have handled that? Back in the days of don’t-ask-don’t-tell—DADT—the military would have forced him out if they’d found out. But now, since the repeal, Mason had been able to trust those around him to accept him as he was. Well shit. He couldn’t imagine any of it. He was out. He’d never made a secret of who he was. Not since he was ten years old.

  Chapter 22

  Noah’s heart raced. His eyes flooded as he took in a ragged breath. What had he done? Telling Mason what had happened to him was probably as messed up as what happened. Why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut? He should’ve left before, when he was thinking of it. His chest constricted, and he swallowed, hoping to quell the nausea churning in his gut.

  After sneaking a quick peek at Mason, Noah directed his gaze to the ground. Mason stood, his eyes dark, deep in thought.

  The silence in the room screamed in Noah’s head. He took a gulp of air. Each second ticking by felt like a lifetime.

  “Was the guy from the same base?”

  Noah startled at the sound of Mason’s voice.

  “No. Never saw him before. I met him at an out-of-town bar.” Noah kept his gaze diverted from Mason.

  “And that was it?”

  “Yeah. I met him right before I headed out. It was a one-time thing. Never even got the guy’s name. Then I was with my team, out of the country for two months. I came back. Had three more months before it was time for me to re-up again. Got the pictures two weeks after coming back. You know the rest.”

  “What exactly did the note say?” Mason moved so he stood directly in front of Noah.

  Noah focused on his hands trying to keep his mind off the story. “It said not to re-sign. That if I stayed in, the pictures would be sent to everyone I knew. My team, higher-ups, and other teams, so I couldn’t simply transfer.”

  “You don’t think it was a joke? Someone saw you and thought it would be funny?” Mason’s voice held no humor. “Sometimes those guys can go to extremes to mess with your head.”

  “You don’t think I thought of that?” Noah fisted his hands so tight, his nails dug into his palms. There’d be blood. “This wasn’t a joke. Whoever sent the pictures wanted me out.”

  “But why?” Mason’s question was one Noah had asked himself daily since receiving the threat.

  And still he had no answer. “I don’t know.”

  They both stayed quiet for a while. Noah was grateful. His body ached, he was wrung out. He watched Mason, knowing the other man was going over all Noah had told him.

  Noah was done for the night—he wouldn’t be able to go on, and Mason must have sensed it. He reached out his hand to Noah.

  Noah took it. Holding hands, they walked toward Mason’s room, and Noah stopped. “I can’t do this. Not tonight.” He was too raw. He didn’t want to be alone either, but wasn’t sure how to tell Mason. Luckily, he didn’t have to.

  “I know. Just stay with me? Let me hold you. Let me be here for you.” Mason massaged Noah’s hand as he spoke.

  The knot in Noah’s stomach subsided. Not saying anything, he entered Mason’s room, with Mason following right behind him. Noah stared at Mason as he took off his shirt and pants. Noah first hesitated, then did the same. Mason climbed into the bed, then held out his hand for Noah to join him. After Noah lay down, Mason wrapped his arms around him and kissed Noah’s neck.

  Noah lay there, absorbing Mason’s warmth; it helped to dissipate the chill in Noah’s soul. He wasn’t sure how long he lay there staring at the ceiling, or when he actually closed his eyes, but sleep eventually took him.

  * * * *

  It was a long while before Noah’s breaths evened out. Mason had known how hard it was for Noah to admit he was gay. But he’d never in a million years have guessed Noah’s fear had caused him to leave the SEALs.

  And why would someone blackmail him into doing such a thing? Really, who would care what he did on his free time, as long as he acted professional while on a mission? And no doubt, Noah would have had kept his personal and professional life far apart. Besides the fact Noah had been good at what he did, and Mason believed being part of the team had been the most important thing in Noah’s life.

  Pain sliced through Mason’s chest. The ache was directly related to the pain Noah must’ve felt when he’d given up that part of his life. Not only the work, but the people, too.

  Bile burned Mason’s throat. He unhooked himself from Noah, got out of the bed, and headed to the bathroom. He padded over to the sink, splashed cold water on his face, then took a drink.

  When he climbed back into bed, instead of wrapping himself around Noah again, he kept some distance, wanting to make sure Noah was in a deep sleep. Noah’s peaceful face was a mask for all the pain spiraling within him.

  The last time Mason remembered checking the clock, it was 01:00 A.M.

  A scream woke Mason, and flailing limbs had him opening his eyes. Noah’s legs kicked off the bed as his body tossed and turned. Even with all the action, Mason took too long to realize what was happening. He moved just in time to avoid getting socked in the face by Noah’s fist.

  Noah screamed. The words were mumbled and distorted, making it impossible for Mason to understand him. Mason needed to do something before Noah hurt himself. Mason sat up and straddled Noah, holding down the man’s legs and pinning his arms. Noah continued to fight, trying to buck free. Tears flooded from his closed eyes. Noah thrust up his hips hard, nearly knocking Mason off.

  “Noah, wake up. It’s me, Mason.”

  The room went silent as Noah stilled. But then, within seconds, Noah began to whine in a voice filled with pain. Mason shouted louder. “Noah, wake up. You’re having a nightmare. Come on, baby. Wake up.”

  The urge to wipe the tears from Noah’s face almost had Mason releasing his grip, but before he had a chance, Noah again started to thrash. Mason quickly lost the battle. He needed to wake Noah before one of them got hurt.

  * * * *

  Noah fought whoever held him down. He had to break free. The cavalry wasn’t coming. Noah was on his own. He fought with all his might. The bad guys yelled in his face. Noah’s head pounded and his body grew tired. It would be so easy to give up, and he almost did. But first he needed one more try. He bucked his body up with all his might. Then he heard it. Someone called out his name. Had his team come back for him?

  The hope in Noah burned fierce and gave him renewed strength. But it wasn’t enough. He heard his name again. This time it was different. Someone else. It sounded like. Like…Noah’s body went slack, and he opened his eyes. It took a second for them to clear through the sea of tears filling them. He wanted to wipe his face, but he couldn’t move his hands. What the hell was going on?

  “Noah. You had a nightmare. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

  The words took a second to wash into Noah’s brain. When they finally did, his body went stiff, and his mind raced.

  “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

  Noah heard Mason’s voice, but he didn’t believe him. He’d never be okay. “Please let me go.” Noah’s words came out rough and barely above a whisper, but he hoped Mason would hear and obey.

  Mason lifted his arms then climbed off Noah. Chills raced through his body. He couldn’t tell if he shook on the inside or out. Or what exactly caused the shakes—the cold, or his memory.

  Mason stayed on the other side of the bed. Noah was grateful for the space Mason gave him. He tried slowing down his breathing, calming his nerves.

  “Sorry.” Noah kept his gaze focused on his hands; he couldn’t look over at Mason.

  “No need to be. You want to talk about it?”

  “Nothing to talk about. I don’t remember what set me off.” Noah felt ashamed of how harsh the words came out. “I can’t remember the dream.” He fought to keep his voice level. Less threatening.

  “All right. If you do, I’m here for you.”


  “Thanks.” Not going to happen. “I’m still really tired. I want to go back to sleep.”

  “Okay. Sounds good.” Mason sounded doubtful, but he didn’t push, and again, Noah was grateful.

  Noah put his head on the pillow and closed his eyes. The bed wobbled as Mason snuggled closer to him.

  “Is it okay if I put my arms around you?” Mason asked.

  “Sure.” Noah held his breath as Mason surrounded Noah with his body. Once settled in place, Noah began to breathe again.

  Feigning sleep, Noah waited for Mason’s breathing to steady, then he opened his eyes.

  Maybe he should grab a drink to help clear his brain, knock him out. He’d take either, preferably both. He untangled himself from Mason’s hold and carefully got out of the bed, not wanting to wake Mason. The last thing Noah wanted to do was talk, and no doubt, if Mason got the slightest hint Noah remembered the dream, he would insist on doing just that.

  Bypassing the liquor, Noah headed straight to the living room and the French doors. He opened one, and the cool air hit him like a knockout punch, his body still covered in sweat from the dream. He pushed through, took a deep breath, forced his lungs to grow accustomed to the cold, and stepped out into the night. The heat in the house had felt stifling. He stood and stared into the night sky, his grip on the railing tight. Even though the stars shone brightly, he couldn’t see a thing. His mind went to replay his earlier nightmare.

  He’d had the dream plenty of times before—except this time, it’d been different. The mission had been one of the last Noah had been involved with—a snatch-and-grab. A simple rescue, the same they’d done dozens of times before. Go in, grab the asset, and get the hell out. Not a problem in sight. Easy fucking peasy.

  Or not…an ambush had waited for them. The team had gotten separated. One of his team mates had been stuck behind enemy lines. It’d taken a lot of planning, spotless execution, and a shit-ton of firepower, but they’d gotten their guy out. Only in his dream, Noah had been the one stuck in the wrong place. And instead of coming in guns blazing, they’d left him behind. All because they’d found out his secret.